J. J. LeVan
I Wanted To Be A Supermom: A Reflection
I think you know what I mean.
Before we have children we have incredibly grandiose ideas of exactly what kind of parents we wish to become. I wanted to be one of those clipboard-carrying, very outgoing supermoms that had it together. The queen soccer mom. The cool band mom (I’m a band geek). The GOOD kind of mom that helped other moms.
It did not take very long after we had children and received our diagnosis to realize that this autism mom thing was hard; it required a lot more from me than what I had to give sometimes. I had days where the frustration was exhausting and my energy levels daily began way below empty. I was actually running on fumes. There was quite often little left for my other little ones at home, let alone thinking to take charge of any outside programs or helping another team mom. Just managing basics and streamlining life was essential.
I began pouring myself out to God one day about the difficulties that I was having along with the disappointments.
Quietly and gently He reminded me of numerous comments from friends and acquaintances about how awesome I was doing with Blake, how great all my kids were, and how compassionate they were for other children at school because of growing up with a special kind of influence in their home. (My eyes rolled. If I had a nickel for every time I had heard how awesome I was…I’d be rich. Yet, I did NOT feel awesome about how this autism thing was going.)
“I thought you wanted to be a Supermom,” I felt Him gently nudge my spirit.
The still small voice had pricked my heart and I dared to say, “I do want to be a supermom, but this is something else. This is autism. It is so hard and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what You are doing. I’m a mess. Those people don’t know what they are talking about. This isn’t what a Supermom looks like. When I was thinking of being Supermom, THIS is not what I meant!”
“But it’s what I MEANT,” the words whispered into my spirit.
I felt like God left me a silence, like a mike drop.
That is what He meant.
This was not my plan.
This is not the way that I would have chosen. This Mom-life did not look like I thought it would look. But then again, as a Jesus follower it wasn’t ever really supposed to be about me, was it?
I have learned more about the God I serve than I realized I cared to learn on this journey. It has been amazing and life-changing. I have learned that His ways are so much higher than mine. He has a much different plan for me, for us, than I could’ve anticipated. But He is good. He is loving. He is kind. And, as my eyes continue to open, I am still learning that He is God.
If this is what GOD’S idea of Supermom is for me, I still don’t feel adequate enough, but this journey has turned out to be actually amazing. And that is enough for me.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11